Chapter 18 ~ Even if It's a Love Unrealized

Since then, it's come to pass that Ren occasionally asks me for advice, always introducing it as her friend's story.

"She's lonely, unable to talk to the person she loves. She's terrified that if she does or is nice to her, even a little, her feelings will overflow."

"She just wants to tell her how thankful she is, but she's completely forgotten how to be close to her. She's hopeless."

"Every time she ignores her, it hurts. Her heart aches. But even though my friend treats her so coldly, she hasn't been abandoned, and her love still talks to her. She's surprised at how happy it makes her. She's disgusted with herself."

Ren mercilessly assailed me with her myriad words. Her feelings for someone unknown to me pulverize my love for her.

Ironically, as these consultations piled up, the distance between Ren and me shrank. Before I knew it, we'd started calling each other by our given names. It was truly nothing but ironic that my feelings for her were shattering even as the composition of our relationship deepened.

Since I started giving her advice, Ren's mood has mellowed out. Even though she's not as bright as before, she's regained her amicability. People gather around her again. And so the days flow on.

One day, as Ren and I walked down a hallway, two schoolgirls walked toward us. From the color of their indoor shoes,^[1] they were one year above us. One of them, a little shorter than us, was talking animatedly. The girl listening was even shorter, cute with her slightly too-long sleeves. Looking from the sidelines, her charming and quiet demeanor didn't really seem like a second-year's.

While I watched absently as they approached, Ren stiffened momentarily. The next instant, the tiny girl turned our way for some reason and smiled.

"Ren!" she exclaimed, her uniform sleeve flapping and fluttering as she waved.

Ren didn't reply, however. After a moment's pause, she started walking much faster than before, without even looking at the girls. The tiny one kept smiling, though her shoulders slumped a bit, lonely. The other one tenderly patted her shoulder to comfort her. That scene concluded, we passed each other by.

I heard a faint voice behind me, "Your sister's the same as always, huh?"

A moment of walking later, Ren froze in place, staring intently at the small girl from before. She seemed melancholic, as if her reluctance to part was burning her alive.

From her eyes, her expression, I understood immediately. The passion I felt for Ren was the same she displayed then. I nervously asked, "Do you know her?"

Softly, as if holding a secret close, Ren murmured, "...My... big sister."

I looked skyward the second I heard her.

Her love is futile. I have an older sister, too, but I couldn't imagine falling in love with her.

Yet I've given Ren more than enough advice to know her feelings aren't some passing fancy. I know that painfully well.

I realized this is exactly why Ren needed advice. She knew better than anyone how thorny the path of her love would be.

And I knew, better than anyone, that no matter how thorny the path was, it's impossible to leave.

Nevertheless, I couldn't help but wonder. If it were me, I wouldn't let her feel this way. If she simply responded to my feelings, Ren could be saved.

I never stopped advising Ren. No matter how mercilessly it shattered me, I couldn't abandon my love for her, just as she couldn't abandon her love for her sister. And so we kept spinning in the same circles, over and over.

Ren declined every sports scholarship she received, enrolling in a local public high school. The same one as my top choice. Her reason had nothing to do with me, of course; it was the same school her sister attended.

Even if I could be happy just going to and from the same school as Ren, I knew there was no hope for me.

And so we advanced to high school, repeating the same pointless cycle. I've had enough, I just want it to end. I'm exhausted, numb to the pain, and yet the love for Ren clutched in my hand still burns, still hurts, and so I cannot move on.

One day, desperate for relief, I ask my sister for advice about it all.

My sister is slightly, no, considerably lacking in basic human decency. She proposes something unthinkable as said advice.

"Well, can't you just date your crush's older sister? If you do, maybe it'll open your crush's eyes."

A solution seemingly alien to the human mind.

But to me, it felt like a spider's thread.

It was only when I was already slipping the letter into the shoebox that I realized acting on such a ridiculous suggestion made me the biggest fool of all. Ah, I'm making a mistake right now, I thought. When I faced Kawai-san, touching a shred of her benevolence, I understood why she was so devoted to Ren.

I knew shadowing Ren like I did, as she went to her sister's side, was pointless.

Takatsuki Tomoka didn't need to tell me.

It's precisely because I was able to understand, however, that Takatsuki Tomoka's reprimand hurt so much. I felt infuriated, like she was taking her anger out on me. Which is why I called out her feelings for Kawai-san; half guesswork, half complete desperation. Yet that desperation played out differently than I expected.

In a sudden reversal from her heretofore censuring, Takatsuki Tomoka opens her heart to me, offering an alliance of mutually unrequited love. Overwhelmed, my predictions and feelings fall into disarray; the love I cannot abandon, my guilt toward Ren and her sister both, my wish for a friend I could share this hopeless love with. I'm adrift.

Before I knew it, I nodded. Then, amid the chaos, I offered Takatsuki Tomoka a condition, if only to prove a point to myself.

"Okay, then tell Kawai-san to meet me behind the gym after school again."

Maybe it's just a desire to make things easy for myself.

At any rate, I'm waiting for Kawai-san atop these entangled threads. Behind the gym, just like the fake confession. I'll confess to the truth, this time.

A gust of wind caresses me, passing toward the covered walkway. Then Kawai-san appears, as if lured by it. Recognizing me, she rushes over in a light jog.

"I'm so sorry I'm late."

"Not at all. I should be the one apologizing for calling you here multiple times."

"So, what did you want to say...?" she asks uneasily.

I take a deep breath, then say my piece.

"I'm sorry. My confession the other day was a lie. I actually love someone else."

Trying to put it into words feels horrible all over again. I thought it completely unforgivable.

And yet she smiles sweetly.

"It's perfectly fine. I thought I hurt you, Shimamoto-san, which I really regretted," she said, sounding relieved from the bottom of her heart.

Why was Ren so deeply obsessed with her? Why wasn't anyone else good enough? I keenly realized that, in the end, their family environment was just one factor. For Ren, it couldn't be anyone else but her.

That truth pierced me, despair welling. Nevertheless, the feelings I still cannot give up are also true.

Even if it's a love unrealized.

Making up my mind, I spoke, "Truthfully, it's Ren I love. I wanted to apologize and to tell you that, today. That's all."

Kawai-san's eyes widen. It's eerie how well she resembles Ren with that expression.