Chapter 8 ~ Sleepless?

"Forget what I just said."

Ren's words are unforgettable.

"Because you're my sister, Onee-chan."

Completely unforgettable. I can't get how she was yesterday out of my mind. My thoughts keep circling the same place, preventing me from sleeping. I'm falling in and out of a light doze instead.

I toss and turn uselessly in bed. Whenever I can't sleep, it's usually because I get stuck in mental dead ends like this, but when I try shifting onto something else to clear my mind, I arrive at the love letter and I'm anxious all over again.

Maybe I already know how to answer: I can't accept anyone's feelings right now. Devoting myself to dating or romance is unimaginable; I can hardly believe anyone would confess to me in the first place. I think it'd be rude if I accepted someone's feelings when I'm this wishy-washy.

Just having a response doesn't fix everything, though. For one thing, how do I turn them down without hurting their feelings? Or maybe my desire to refuse actually stems more from what Ren said to me last night?

My thoughts keep returning to Ren, after all. It seems I can't sleep soundly tonight.

I wonder if I should just make some coffee instead. I get out of bed, peeking through a gap in the curtains to see an already brightening sky. Soft, pale blues like eulalia^[1] blend with distant oranges to slowly paint over the night. I can hear a crow cawing in the distance. Groggy, I take this as a sign to give up on sleeping.

I should wash my face first. I leave my room and head toward the washroom.

Then the stairs creak as Ren descends in an unsteady haze. She jolts in place upon noticing me.

"Good morning."

A greeting often ignored.

"...Morning," she weakly replies, in a soft voice rare for her.

I'd half given up on a response, so I can't help but look her over.

"What?"

She regains her usual stiff tone, suspicious of me.

"Oh, I was just thinking it's novel to see you this early."

Ren's usually dressed by the time I wake, so it's pretty rare to see her first thing after getting up. She's in her pajamas, her hair's a bit unkempt, and her eyes are slightly bloodshot.

"You've seen too much."

"Ah, sorry."

I quickly look away once Ren points it out. Then I recall the belated memory of yesterday's conversation and suddenly I have no idea how to face her.

While we're both thrown off by the awkward vibes, Mom emerges from her bedroom.

"Good morning. You're up early today, Ai."

"Good morning, I couldn't sleep."

"Ahh, that sucks. Today seems pretty hot for May, so if you feel worse, be sure to tell the nurse right away. Also, good morning, Ren."

"Morning."

"Hey, what's with those dark circles under your eyes? Are both my daughters sleep-deprived?"

I definitely didn't notice because she's so tall that they're in shadow, but Ren does have dark circles under her eyes.

"Nn... Not really, I'm fine."

Ren quickly disappears into the restroom.^[2]

"That girl's the same as always," Mom laughs in amazement.

After that, the morning rushes by and I don't have another chance to talk seriously with Ren.

Even if I ask, "Can I get you some coffee?"

"Sure."

I'm brushed aside. Ren's as distant as ever, as if yesterday never happened. It's a little lonely.